a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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