someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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