Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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