but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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