laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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