just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
