ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
