Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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