every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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