i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
