is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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