she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You need Xanax blowdarts
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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