i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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