the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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