If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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