Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
