He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
