god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
