I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
