my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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