im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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