I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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