why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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