Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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