so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
