I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I supernannyed him into submission
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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