worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
