Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
