I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
