I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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