he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
