I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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