did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
