yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize