So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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