My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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