I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
