Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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