Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
