I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
