Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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