Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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