so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
