dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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