just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
