dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
soo... how was my night?
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