you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
