Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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