Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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