You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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