So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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