For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
