I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
