What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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