Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
