the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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