Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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